This blog will be about life and relationships; mostly, from what I’ve learned from my two companion animals, Dali and Oskar. Sometimes I’ll post other types of resources and anecdotes. I hope what I share is helpful or at least fun.
I am sitting on the couch with Oskar, next to me and he moves to get more comfortable and drapes his leg across my leg. It is comforting to me and I imagine comforting for Oskar since he put his leg there.
This was after Dali and Oskar and I went to a local park. exploring woods we hadn’t been to before. We all enjoyed the adventure and I felt closer to my companion animals.
According to research, physical affection and doing new things together are qualities of a long-term love.
In your relationships, human and nonhuman, make time for contact comfort and exploring the world together.
I never thought Dali would ever slow down, but she is. She’s nine now and doesn’t have the energy she used to. Some days, we can still go for a 2 hour walk in the morning and other days it’s a slow half-hour walk. Some of it is the heat and humidity, I’m sure, but Oskar could keep going if Dali were willing.
Barring anything unforeseen, I am sure that I have many more years with Dali. Her signs of aging impact me, though. Dali is a willful individual and it’s like I’m being let in on her secret. Her vulnerability and fragility are peeking through her indomitable spirit.
One day, I made the mistake of insisting that I pick her up to help her make the walk. She struggled in my arms until I put her down. Now, I just pretend that I don’t notice that we’re walking slowly or shorter distances. I want to give Dali her dignity.
Oskar has to adjust, too. He doesn’t always have his partner to run with and chase squirrels. When I can, I take him out by himself. Sometimes he’ll go with me and interestingly, sometimes he wants to stay back with Dali. Even though I don’t think they would have picked each other as friends, they have developed a bond and look out for each other.
Recognizing and honoring the losses, as well as remaining flexible in the face of change, helps us all find our way together through this new phase of our lives.
What has helped you get through some of your life transitions?
Good News! I was passing by the lake the other day and saw Mom and Dad Goose with seven babies. I guess Mom had been busy creating the nest, laying her eggs and incubating them. I just read how Dad’s job during this time is to watch out for predators, but he doesn’t go near the nest so as not to give the location away to predators.
I am glad Mom and Dad Goose are OK and I look forward to watching their babies grow up. I wanted to share the good news and also some of what I learned after reading up on geese.
Did you know that geese mate for life? They will only look for another mate if their partner dies. Some choose to not to look for another mate and remain solo for the rest of their lives, which can be for as long as 25 years. They look out for each other, refusing to leave the side of a sick or injured mate or gosling’s side. This attachment can come at the expense of his or her own survival, staying with a loved one in need even when the rest of the flock migrates south for the winter.
I also learned how geese are cooperative and supportive of one another. They fly in a “V” format when they migrate and they take turns in the lead, so each goose gets a rest. Geese honk sounds of encouragement to the lead goose so he or she will keep up a good speed.
Acknowledgement goes a long way. Research by Dan Ariel, behavioral economist at Duke University and author of Predictably Irrational, shows that we can improve motivation by acknowledging another’s efforts with a simple “Uh Huh.” Geese instinctually know how recognizing and supporting another’s efforts goes a long way.
Ariel says “Ignoring the performance of people is almost as bad as shredding their effort before their eyes. The good news is that adding motivation doesn’t seem to be so difficult. The bad news is that eliminating motivation seems to be incredibly easy.”
This is important in the work setting, as well as other relationships. Even the smallest gesture can make someone feel energized. A “Thank you for your efforts,” “I really appreciate what you’ve done,” “You really helped me out” or a high-five has a positive impact. If you can be specific about what you’re acknowledging, that’s even better. Next time, if you want to appreciate the efforts of your partner or friend or even salesperson, try honking at them. J
Here’s an interesting TedTalk by Dan Ariely about what makes us feel good about our work:
Walking Dali and Oskar past the man-made lake in our neighborhood, I tip-toe around the annual goose-poop on the side walk. Every year since we moved here about seven years ago, I have enjoyed watching two geese return to their residency here, have their babies, raise their goslings, and then migrate to wherever they go in the fall.
I had to teach Dali and Oskar that we leave the geese alone. We would carefully pass Momma and Papa Goose and their fluffy, little babies who eventually grew until I could not distinguish them from their parents. If Papa Goose felt that we got too close, he would flap his wings, make a sound and come towards us. I learned to give them a wide berth.
One day I saw the goslings go up a boy, who was on his way to Middle School, and pull on his shorts with their beaks. I asked the young student whether they had done that before and he said “Yes.” I was so touched at the connection the boy had made not only with the baby geese, but also Momma and Papa Goose. The parents trusted the boy enough to let their children go and make contact with him.
A few days after I had welcomed the geese’s return, I saw one of the them by him or herself. And a day or two after that, I noted he or she was sitting on the dock, his or her head buried in his or her feathers. I sensed a deep mourning and realized that one of the geese must have died. I shared this news with my husband and cried out of empathy for the goose, as well as grief for my own loss.
I learned that sometimes we don’t realize we are attached to someone until we lose the connection. We can experience loss about many different things: a loved one, a job, moving, loss of our hopes and dreams, the ending of a friendship, finishing a project, and a goose.
I also was reminded of my husband’s kindness. He honored my sadness and comforted me, even though he didn’t share my experience.
The next time I passed by the lake, the goose was again sitting on the dock with his head buried in his feathers (for simplicity, I’ll refer to the surviving goose as male because my sense is it is Papa Goose). I paused and told him that I saw him there, that I knew he was grieving, that I was sad too, that I hoped his companion passed away peacefully, and that I wished him a lessening of his pain over time. I felt better after I shared my sentiments with this other living being and I hoped that my acknowledgement of him helped him feel a little better.
I returned from my walk hours later and saw the goose swimming in the lake. His glides, although solitary, were beautiful and I felt some peace that he was enjoying the water.
Years ago, The Washington Post ran a series called Life is Short: Autobiography as Haiku. I don’t remember reading that section religiously, but I sure am glad I read Lynda Van Kuren’s piece. I cut it out and have had it on my refrigerator ever since it was published on August 19, 2007. I’m sharing it here because I think it has some good life lessons for us all and it brings a smile to my face every time I read it. Here is the picture that is featured beside the haiku:
And here is the poem:
I loved her with all my heart. Little did I know that this little dog was my teacher, showing me how to negotiate life’s journey. Shana’s lessons:
Hang out with the people you love, and get as close to them as you can.
Always be ready to play.
If someone doesn’t like you, don’t worry about it. Lots of others do. Spend your time with them.
Don’t spend a lot of time being sad. Find something to do that makes you happy.
If someone upsets the one you love most, pee on their side of the bed.
Be joyous.
When we realize we are inter-connected, we can learn life lessons from all animals. Maybe that is one of the most important lessons. To keep our hearts open to other living beings.
In the early days after Dali came to live with us, my husband was sitting on the floor playing and cuddling with her. I was on the couch, looking on, and longing to be with them. I had a felt sense that I would be welcomed if I joined them. I hadn’t had much of a sense of belonging in my life and Dali brought that when she joined our family.
Years later, before we welcomed Oskar home, a neighbor said to me, “Dali has an air about her that says that she belongs to a family.” My heart filled with joy. Dali had given me the gift of belonging and I had been able to return the favor.
Dali treasures her sense of belonging. One evening, we had to take Oskar to the emergency animal hospital. We were going to leave Dali at home, but she ran out the door. I knew she wasn’t going to run away. She didn’t want to be left behind. And as almost always, Dali got her way and we went as a family to take care of Oskar.
Dali has other things she does to try to keep us together as a family. When we’re getting out of the car or going to the car, Dali will herd me and my husband to make sure we stay together. If my husband is going to walk Dali and Oskar, Dali will come sit next to me, and look at me mournfully, as a way to get me to go on the walk, as well. When I do decide to join the outing, Dali literally jumps up and down for joy.
The desire to belong is a fundamental motivation. When we have a sense of belonging, we are more confident, better able to handle difficult challenges, and we can manage our emotions in a way that feel less like a roller coaster and more like a rolling brook.
The desire to belong is found in other animals, as well, and strong bonds benefit other animals in similar ways as humans. For example, studies have shown that cows are more resilient and less frightened by new situations when they are with their friends. They also learn more quickly when they are with other cows than when they are alone.
In The Inner World of Farm Animals, I read about a female cow who gave birth to a stillborn calf. Although weak from medical complications from the delivery, she traveled a good distance though many fields to find her own mother. The next day, they were found together, the mother comforting and grooming her distraught daughter.
Belonging is a powerful force. Belonging sustains us. Belonging gives us the strength to be ourselves. Belonging provides a source of acceptance and comfort. Belonging need not be restricted by boundaries of race, gender or species.
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On Being: Lessons I Learn From Animals 